Here are some of my favourite wine and drinking quotes. Got a funny one? E-mail me and I'll add it: natdecants@nataliemaclean.com.

Cheers,

Natalie

A woman was sipping a glass of wine while she was sitting on the patio with her man. She says, “I love you so much, I don’t know if I could ever live without you.”

Her guy asks: “Is that you or the wine talking?”

She replies: “It’s me, talking to the wine.”

I object to those who say the government is spending money like drunken sailors. As a former drunken sailor, I quit when I ran out of money
- Bruce Hargraves

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal lobotomy.
- Dorothy Parker

I saw a sign that read "Drink Canada Dry" and I've just started.
- Brendan Behan

You must believe in something. I believe I’ll have another drink.
- W.C. Fields

I read about the evils of drinking, so I gave up reading.
- Henny Youngman

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
- Frank Sinatra

I drink to make other people interesting.
- Geo Nathan, American drama critic

Work is the curse of the drinking classes.
- Oscar Wilde

I've taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
- Sir Winston Churchill

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
- W.C. Fields

This is one of the disadvantages of wine; it makes a man mistake words for thoughts.
- Samuel Johnson

I do not drink more than a sponge.
- François Rabelais, French humorist

I am a drinker with a writing problem.
- Brendan Behan

A hard drinker was offered grapes for dessert. "Thank you," said he, pushing the dish away from him, "but I am not in the habit of taking my wine in pills."
- Anthelme Brillat-Savarin, The Physiology of Taste

Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
- Ernest Hemingway

Great wine is about nuance, surprise, subtlety, expression, qualities that keep you coming back for another taste.  Rejecting a wine a wine because it is not big enough is like rejecting a book because it is not long enough, or a piece of music because it is not loud enough.
- Kermit Lynch
 

I drink it when I’m happy and when I’m sad.  Sometimes I drink it when I’m alone.  When I have company I consider it obligatory.  I trifle with it if I’m not hungry and drink it when I am.  Otherwise, I never touch it – unless I’m thirsty.
- Lily Bollinger

SOBER is actually an acronym that stands for: Son Of a Bitch, Everything's Real

An alcoholic is someone you don't like who drinks as much as you do.
- Dylan Thomas

Consuming wine in moderation daily will help people to die young as late as possible.

- Dr Philip Norrie

You haven't drunk too much wine if you can still lie on the floor without holding on.
- Dean Martin

 I made wine out of raisins so I wouldn’t have to wait for it to age.
- Steven Wright

Where once, per chance, my wit hath shone,

In aid of others let me shine,

And when, at last, my brain is gone,

What nobler substitute than wine?

- Lord Byron

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

- Anonymous
 

The Buffalo Theory of Drinking: A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the culling of the weakest members. In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as its slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But it naturally attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine. That’s why you always feel smarter after a few drinks.

- Cliff Claven, Cheers

The difference between a drunk and an alcoholic is that a drunk doesn't have to attend all those meetings.
- Arthur Lewis

I don't like people who take drugs... Customs men for example.
- Mick Miller

I think I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
- Rodney Dangerfield.

Reality is just a crutch for people who can't cope with drugs.
- Robin Williams

I know I'm drinking myself to a slow death, but then I'm in no hurry.
- Robert Benchley

I exercise strong self control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.
- W.C. Fields


My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?
- Henry Youngman

Domaine Romanee-Conti is God's way of saying you're making too much money.
- Robin Williams

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
- Catherine Zandonella

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is wine. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza."
- Dave Barry

Alcohol isn't habit forming. I should know, I've been drinking it for years.
- Tallulah Bankhead

There's nothing wrong with sobriety in moderation.
- John Ciandi

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
- Humprey Bogart


Actually it only takes me one drink to get drunk. The trouble is I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
- George Burns

I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

I got so wasted one night I waited for the Stop sign to change, and it did.
- Steve Krabitz 

Age is just a number. It's totally irrelevant unless, of course, you happen to be a bottle of wine.

- Joan Collins

Wine improves with age: the older I get, the better I like it.
- Anonymous

Wine is like beer except different.
- George W. Bush

Champagne, if you are seeking the truth, is better than a lie detector. It encourages a man to be expansive, even reckless, while a lie detector is only a challenge to lie better.
- Graham Greene

Let us have wine and women, mirth and laughter;
Sermons and soda water the day after.
- Lord Byron

Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy.
- Alexander Fleming

Give me wine to wash me clean of the weather-stains of care.
- Ralph Waldo Emerson

I only drink Champagne when I'm happy, and when I'm sad. Sometimes I drink it when I'm alone. When I have company, I consider it obligatory. I trifle with it if I am not hungry and drink it when I am. Otherwise I never touch it - unless I'm thirsty.
- Lily Bollinger

I drank a bottle of wine for company. It was Château Margaux. It was pleasant to be drinking slowly and to be tasting the wine and to be drinking alone. A bottle of wine was good company.
- Ernest Hemingway, The Sun Also Rises

Burgundy makes you think of silly things, Bordeaux makes you talk of them and Champagne makes you do them.
- Jean-Anthelme Brillat-Savarin

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait.
- Mitch Hedberg

Consuming wine in moderation daily will help people to die young as late as possible.  
- Dr. Philip Norrie

There are two reasons for drinking wine: when you are thirsty, to cure it and when you are not thirsty, to prevent it... prevention is better than cure.
- Thomas Love Peacock

The road to great wine is paved with beer bottles.
- Anonymous

I cannot live without Champagne. When I win, I deserve it; when I lose, I need it.
- Napoléon

I went on a rigorous diet that eliminated alcohol, fat and sugar. In two weeks, I lost 14 days.
- Tim Maia, Brazilian singer-songwriter

I like to have a martini,
Two at the very most,
Three, I’m under the table,
Four, I’m under the host
- Dorothy Parker

Remember gentlemen, it's not just France we are fighting for, it's Champagne!
- Winston Churchill

I cook with wine; sometimes I even add it to the food.
- W.C. Fields

Let's get you out of those wet clothes and into a dry martini.
- Mae West

Had I known that I would be this thirsty this morning, I would have drunk more last night.

Champagne for my real friends, real pain for my sham friends.

Last time I said no to wine was when someone asked if I had enough.

Booze is the answer, but now I can’t remember the question.

If you resolve to give up drinking, you don't actually live longer; it just seems longer.

Q. What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake? A. One less Drunk

Don't drink and drive, you might hit a bump and spill your drink.

I know my limit. I just keep passing out before I reach it.
- Red Skelton

Candy is dandy but liquor is quicker.

I shall drink no wine before its time. OK, it's time!
- Groucho Marx

I am not under the affluence of incohol as some thinkle peep I am!

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the wine I drink I feel shame. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the vineyards and all of their hopes and dreams If I didn't drink this wine, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this wine and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.
- Jack Handy                                        

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
- Stephen Wright  

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
- Brian O'Rourke 

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite and furthermore always carry a small snake.  
- W.C. Fields

I drink therefore I am.  
- W.C. Fields

I don't have a drinking problem ... I drink;I get drunk; I fall down, no problem.